As a break from all the serious debate going on around here lately, and because I know at least a few folks here enjoy a pint now and then =;^) I thought I’d forward this…
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THE BEER TROUBLESHOOTING GUIDE:
Symptom: Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It’s water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.SYMPTOM: Don’t recognize anyone, don’t recognize the
room you’re in
FAULT: You’ve wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward
ceiling.SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about
house training.SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent
lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself chained to bar.SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part
of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another
bar.SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender, take taxi
home.SYMPTOM: Taxi’s interior suddenly takes on colorful
aspect and
textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal
limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.SYMPTOM: Hands hurts, nose hurts, mind unusually
clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it
was them.SYMPTOM:! Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.SYMPTOM: Don’t remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.SYMPTOM: Ugly woman in your sights.
FAULT: Insufficient beer intake.
ACTION: Up the dosage.SYMPTOM: Shins and toes hurt.
FAULT: You’ve been walking into things.
ACTION: Maintain dosage.SYMPTOM: Squishy feeling in your hands
FAULT: You have grabbed hold of a woman’s breasts.
ACTION: Duck to avoid boyfriend’s fist.SYMPTOM: Bed is bumping around.
FAULT: Taking an ambulance ride.
ACTION: It’s too late, you made an ass of yourself.
