So, I had a nuclear cardiac stress test this morning. I won’t have the results for a few days, but when a fat guy like me gets off that treadmill still fogging a mirror and no chest pain, it’s gotta be a good sign.
I got away (escaped?) from the lab earlier than I thought so I swung by a tire store and got the tires replaced on my Honda Fit. They told me that the battery was testing borderline-ish and suggested I take the Fit to the dealer and have them replace the battery because it’s probably in warranty. So, I drive a few miles to the Honda dealer and they check out the battery while I read the Vanity Fair article by Sarah Palin’s daughter’s ex-boyfriend. They told me the battery was fine and showed me the test results. Ok, whatever. The battery will fail (tire store) or it won’t fail (Honda dealer.) Health care reform is essential (Democrats) or socialist (the right wing.) We’ll see.
Then I’m leaving the dealership and I top the hill on this residential street and I see a red Volvo backing toward me, going really fast–like burning rubber fast–on account of the fact that there’s a plain-clothes police officer on foot chasing the Volvo, which is heading in my direction, with his gun drawn screaming “Stop! Police!” So, I whip over to the curb and stop and the Volvo is moving in my direction and so I duck and lean as far right as I can and brace for impact. Then there’s impact. Then the Volvo pulls away again just as the cop is getting to it and backs down the street and gets away. I look ahead and another cop has arrested the other party in the drug deal. (He’s cuffed and on the ground. At one point, I watch them persuade the perpetrator to spit out a little packet of cocaine.) I get out of car expecting a really big dent somewhere on the driver’s side. I stand in the street and look at my car and there’s NO DAMAGE. None. I absolutely felt the impact–and I heard one of the cops–who are still busy with the detainee, tell the other cop that the guy had hit me. Finally, the cops come over and I say, uh, guys, I know he hit me, why no damage? Then I see the hubcap is off the front left tire and I find it on the street and its fractured. So, apparently, the only impact was tire-to-tire.
The first cop, who’s awfully earnest, says to me, ok, what we had here was a drug deal and a hit-and-run and you, sir, were just an innocent bystander. Yeah. No sh*t.
2nd cop comes over and gives me an accident report in case I drive off and find that there’s hidden damage to the car–like a loss of the alignment I had just gotten an hour before with the brand new tires. Or a rack/pinion deal. Drove it home on the Interestate without incident, so I’m hopeful.
Anyway, the 2nd cop says, “I hope you had enough excitement for the day.” And I said, “I had a coronary stress test about 2 hours ago.” And the cop says, “Hmm. Well, you just had another.”
Which I thought was a pretty good line.
