Two antennas met on a roof fell in love and got married.
The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent!
.
I got this one in this morning’s email:
Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station 103.2 on FM dial in Ft. Wayne, Indiana, who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest.
Needless to say, she won.
Hi Sue, just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you’ve been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it’s not so bad after all.
Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It’s a wet suit. This time of year the water is quite cool, so what we do to keep warm is this: we have a diesel-powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I’ve used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It’s like working in a Jacuzzi.
Everything was going well, until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds, my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony, I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don’t have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn’t stick to it. However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt.
I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically. Needless to say, I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression.
When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber The cream put the fire out, but I couldn’t poop for two days because my butt was swollen shut.
So, next time you’re having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt. Now repeat to yourself, “I love my job, I love my job, I love my job.” Now whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself: Is this a jellyfish bad day?
May you NEVER have a jellyfish bad day!!!
djm
One I thought of a few years ago during cold weather:
2 cows are standing in a field when it starts to snow. After a while one cow turns to the other and says -
“I don’t know about you, but I’m bloody Friesian!”
Here’s another:
Two elephants fall off a cliff -
Boom, Boom!
Just got forwarded a load of these, some are truly awful:
So Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and then went T’PAU!
I said "Don’t you mean KAPOW??
He said “No, I’ve got china in my hand.”
You invented Tipp Ex, correct me if I’m wrong.
I’m so lazy I’ve got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.
I bought some Armageddon cheese today, it said on the packet ‘Best
Before End’
So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said “Analogue.” I
said “No, just a watch.”
I went into a shop and I said, “Can someone sell me a kettle.” The
bloke said “Kenwood” I said, “Where is he?”
So I went in to a pet shop. I said, “Can I buy a goldfish?” The guy
said, “Do you want an aquarium?” I said, “I don’t care what star sign
it is.”
I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me
a Volkswagen Beetle with no driver.
My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He’s bisatchel.
I went to the doctor. I said to him “I’m frightened of lapels.” He
said, “You’ve got cholera.”
So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today.
I can’t remember his name, it’s P something T something R.
I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue .
I couldn’t put it down.
I phoned the local ramblers club today, and this bloke just went on
and on.
My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work??
I said “I wouldn’t do it if you paid me.”
So I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I
said, “You don’t need a tin opener to peel a banana.” He said, “No,
this is for the custard.”
This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin
paper.
He said, “I want you to trace someone for me.”
So this lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins.
It was a turtle disaster.
So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley.
She said “Tenpin?”
I said, “No, it’s a permanent job.”
So I told my mum that I’d opened a theatre.
She said, “Are you having me on?”
I said, “Well I’ll give you an audition, but I’m not promising you
anything.”
I phoned the local builders today, I said to them “Can I have a skip
outside my house?” He said, “I’m not stopping you!”
So this cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says “Audi!”
So I fancied a game of darts with my mate.
He said, “Nearest the bull goes first”
He went “Baah”
and I went “Moo”
He said “You’re closest”
So I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen
on it. I thought that’s Aboriginal.
I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I’d been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I’d been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came
and asked me what had happened. I said “I careered off the road”
I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It’s so tiny you couldn’t
swing a cat in there.
I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the
shoulders of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on three counts.
I bought a train ticket and the driver said “Eurostar”
I said "Well I’ve been on telly but I’m no Dean Martin.
I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do
the splits. He said, “How flexible are you?” I said, “I can’t make
Tuesdays or Thursdays.”
So I went to the local video shop
I said, “Can I take out The Elephant Man?”
He said, “He’s not your type.”
I said “How about Batman Forever?”
He said, “No, you’ll have to bring it back tomorrow”
A family walks into a talent agency. and father says to the talent agent, “We have a really amazing act. You should represent us.”
. . . . . . . . .
And the father draws himself up proudly and replies, “The Arixtocrats.”
(You fill in the rest. I’m too tired.)
The door to the bar opens and in walks a Rabbi, a Priest, a Monk, a woman carrying a pig and a man with a frog on his shoulder.
The bartender looks up and says;
“What is this? Some kind of joke?”
More dumb ones in email:
I dialed a number and got the following recording:
“I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes.”
Aspire to inspire before you expire.
My wife and I had words, but I didn’t get to use mine.
Blessed are those who can give without remembering and take without forgetting.
The irony of life is that, by the time you’re old enough to know your way
around, you’re not going anywhere.
God made man before woman so as to give him time to think of an answer for her first question.
I was always taught to respect my elders, but it keeps getting harder to find one.
Every morning is the dawn of a new error.
*********************************************8
When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.
When I was 16, I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I
needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything
was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was
totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so
dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn’t keep up with her.
She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did
mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.
When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted
firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am now older and wiser, and am looking for a girl with big boobs.
djm
I am now older and wiser, and am looking for a girl with big boobs
Good thing I got it right the first time… 