Chiff & Fipple Named New EPA Administrator

You know those teasers for news programs? During your favorite TV show, your local anchorman pops up between commercials with something like "ARE YOU IN DANGER OF DYING TONIGHT FROM A HORRIFYING NEW THREAT?? WE'LL HAVE THE ANSWER ON THE 10 O'CLOCK NEWS!"

Here's our teaser for this issue. WE'RE GIVING AWAY FOUR HOWARD LOW D WHISTLES AND MAYBE YOU'LL WIN A MAZDA MIATA, TOO.

Well, it's been more than a month since the last issue and I blame myself. (Seriously, it's not your fault.) I did have this little computer problem which I ultimately had to resolve by doing a "clean" install of Windows XP (Note to readers who own Macs: PLEASE don't email me with "Get a Mac." I know, already). Anyway, I had to spend a good bit of time reinstalling applications and data. I didn't have a full backup (who does?) but, happily, I was able to reclaim most of my files from a variety of sources, including the FBI who--and I'm sure this won't surprise some of you--monitor my computer pretty darn closely. (I have reason to believe they are also secretly testing my urine, but that's another story.)

Anyway, I'm back up and taking advantage of the long Memorial Day weekend to try to slap together this issue.

I'm Dale Wisely and this is Chiff & Fipple's 6Hole Theory: PostStructural Tinwhistle Journalism for the Imperial Era.

So, about a week ago chiffboard, Chiff & Fipple's mammoth on-line forum for chiff & fipplers was abruptly replaced on the website by a strange comic with a vulgar name. Many of us who first discovered

this, bleary-eyed and nursing our cups of coffee, freaked. Later we learned it was a hardware failure at the server level and an accidental redirect to the alternate comic website.

I thought we'd been hacked. Some briefly blamed terrorists. (I, like many others, was more inclined to blame the Bush administration.) But, our heroic team of Canadian techno-hosts for the forum, Rich Lafferty & Chris Petro, explained to me, using technical language, the actual problem, which turned out to be an, uh, a failure of the server thing in a box or with a cable or a byte or a nano-meg or something. It was a catastrophic failure and I heard that it browned-out at least two Canadian provinces.

The board is still down. The Chiff & Fipple Emergency Communication Protocol is activated. Our parallel-universe friends at Gaelic Crossings have also been kind enough to receive our nomadic whistle infojunkies. New hardware has arrived in Canada and our team is working around the clock. It should be up in a few days. I sent ALL of the interns up there, which was unpleasant because they were all whining about cold weather, plaids, and huskies, thereby demonstrating the typical USA knowledge of Canada.

Several members of chiffboard (and I'm NOT making this part up) have donated funds to pay for the new hardware and also to establish a little emergency fund for when this kind of thing happens again. We're going to put a little extra money, a candy bar, and a roll of duct tape in a box and send it to Rich & Chris.

Then along comes a veteran chiff & fippler, who insists, characteristically, on anonymity and offers to donate an

It's an Abell high D in Blackwood. A year or two old. In excellent condition.

I'm doing this by silent auction. Email your bid to me at

& please put the word "bid" in the subject line. Nah, that's too concise. Let's make it "Accept my Bid, O Undisputed One."

Thanks to the donors of the whistle and the fundage. You know who you are. And thanks to all who bid.

Cafepress.com, the website on which I design & sell Chiff & Fipple merchandise, is finally offering bumperstickers. OW! Too MUCH fun. So, it's time for the "Design the C&F bumpersticker" contest. As a prize, I'm offering a Thom Larson Tweeked Clarke D whistle. 2nd and 3rd place winners will also have their images placed on bumperstickers for sale through cafepress.com.

The image may be b&w or color and must be 2100 X 700 pixels at 200-300 dpi. I prefer excellent readability as opposed to complexity. Preferred font is Courier New. I'd prefer that the website URL appear on the sticker but that's not fully mandatory. If someone will also prepare, in addition to any other submissions you make, a bumpersticker based on this image (http://www.chiffandfipple.com/CFTYPE.gif ), I'd be grateful.

Have fun! Email your submissions to me as attachments to email dwwisely@hiwaay.net . Deadline June 1!

Thanks,

Dale

And I am telling you again: You whistle in a moving car and the air bag deploys and you've got yourself a whistle impaling your brainstem and you won't be able to pull it out (see function of a brainstem).

Brain of whistler, featuring the really useful brain stem, which, trust me, you don't want impaled. On the right we see a possible path of a Clarke Original Whistle (Key of D, I believe) forced into the mouth and through the brain stem and other brain structures by the force of a deployed airbag. This will cause the victim to be seriously inconvenienced.

Incidentally, the "WhOA Area", as it is often called, is just anterior to the occipital lobes.

Shout out to the English dudes at Clarke Tinwhistle. Guys, you can't buy advertising like this.

The good people of Howard have donated four of their new color Low D whistles to Chiff & Fipple's Department of Philanthropy. They're beauties. So, here's the deal.

As you veterans know, Chiff & Fipple has raised a good bit of a money over the years for the Crisis Center in Birmingham. A favorite Undisputed charity.

The Crisis Center has initiated their annual membership drive in which the first 1000 people to donate $55 are entered in a drawing for a new Mazda Miata, along with other prizes. This means if you enter, you are guaranteed one shot in 1000 for the Miata and even better odds of winning one of the prizes. Chiff & Fipple members who donate $55 to the Crisis Center, and only Chiff & Fipple members, also enter a drawing for one of these Howard Low D whistles.

VI. THANK GOODNESS IT WASN'T "YOU MUST KNOW DAVE"

Dale,

I was in the Oliver St. John Gogarty's Pub in Dublin a couple weeks ago (visiting from Pittsburgh, PA, on the other side). The whistle player in the group was a very nice person named Jerry who had six or eight whistles arrayed before him on the table around his pint. After a while of mingling with the group of musicians, I commented to Jerry that it appeared that he might have Whistle Obsessive Acquisition Disorder, or WhOA. He simply responded" "Ah, you must know Dale!" 'Tis a small world, indeed.

For anyone who has not experienced the pubs of Ireland, they may be the best places in the world to appreciate the contributions of the whistle to the world. They are best enjoyed with several pints of Guinness, but every pub, sooner or later, has a group with at least one talented whistle player come by. And the Irish are the friendliest people in the world, even the whistle players!

John

VII. ODDER THAN CHIFF & FIPPLE

http://www.rathergood.com/

Thanks for reading. People who have ordered my poetry chapbook, VISITATION, or who want to, or who want to read a new poem of mine, click here.

Everybody else, see you next issue!

Thanks!!

Dale