January 28, 2004:
Chiff & Fipple Whistle-Related Program Activities
I. Save the Children!
Perhaps a year or so ago, Norman Dannatt of the Clarke Tinwhistle Company made me aware of a whistle-related product being sold for children. "PennyWhistle: Learn to play the Penny Whistle." Then, Norman showed this product to me while I was in England. For reasons that will become apparent later, I joined Norman in his state of horror and outrage. Last night, I stumbled across a pile of these things on the marked-down table at my local Barnes & Noble. This thing is an atrocity and if there was such a thing as musical abuse of children, the people who produced this product would be in jail.
It includes a little book, with heavy cardboard pages typical of books for very young children, and includes a whistle. The whistle looks roughly like a Meg, with an important distinction which we'll get to later. It is designed and produced by something called BDA (Cirencester). Illustrated by Andrew Stephens. Written by Kate Kinsey. It is published by Grandreams Books Ltd./4 North Parade/ Bath, BA1 1LF UK. It is also available from Grandreams Books, Inc. 360 Hurst Street Linden, NJ 07036. (After I tell you more about this product, I think you'll see that the spelling of of GrandReams might be about right.)
Before I go any further with my indictment, I should say that the Court of Chiff & Fipple assumes the innocence of illustrator Mr. Stephens and book author Ms. Kinsey. In fact, the illustrations are exceedingly attractive and clever and the book is well-written.
So, what's the problem? Let's go to the pictures.
Here's a photo of the product. Sorry it's a bit blurry but I'm still really upset about this Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck thing
.
Here's the cover with the clever Whistle Man illustration which appears throughout the 14-page book. There's the little Sweetone/Meg-looking whistle. Notice anything weird yet?
Here's a sample of of the inside of the book:
Again, great pictures and, although you can't tell here, reasonably well written.
Incidentally, everything is written in the key of C, so we presume we have a C-major whistle. Right?
Now let's take a close look at the included whistle.
The whistle could be a perfectly serviceable instrument to play. The holes are the right size and spacing for a Meg or Sweetone, although more likely a D rather than a C. But, don't you think for a minute that I'm ranting about a D whistle and a text based on the C-major scale! No, no. We're talking about something far worse. Be afraid, be very afraid.
Approximately one inch has been cut off the end of the whistle. Presumably to fit in the package.
I kid you not.
This thing makes no recognizable scale, of course. I played it for my wife, improvising--which, of course, is all you can do with it. She rightly pointed out that it sounded like I was sitting cross-legged on the ground in India, half-naked, face to face with a cobra coming out of a wicker basket. Right. To my Western ears, it sounds like some strange middle-Eastern scale. I'm sure, however, to middle-Easterners it would sound like some hellish non-musical random collection of non-notes, too.
Oh, the humanity
. These poor children. These poor parents and siblings of these children who will listen to them struggle to play. The poor people who will perish slowly and painfully from the bites of all of the vipers that will be summoned into the home.
The point is that the thing is absolutely useless. It's beyond useless, it's a fraud. Imagine the poor child who receives this set. Let's say it is some potential musical genius child who, as we all know, could learn fundamentals of music very well with a good whistle and a bit of instruction. He takes this home and tries to play the familiar tunes in the book and of course, what he gets is some kind of Balinese nightmare. "I can't play this!" he will cry to his mother or father. Or maybe his little granny on a fixed income who chose not to buy her blood pressure medicine in order to shell out $7 for this obscene thing, wanting only to give her grandchild the gift of music. "I can't play this! What's wrong with me?", the child will say. "Am I cognitively deficient? Did you people fail to tell me that I have some kind of disability? I HATE MUSIC! MUSIC MAKES ME FEEL LIKE A STUPID
PERSON. I'll spend the rest of my life and all my powers to try to BAN MUSIC FROM THE FACE OF THE EARTH. I will destroy the musicians one-by-one from my secret lair. Mad? You think me mad? HA! I'll show you how mad I am!!"
Ok, maybe that's a little over the top.
Anyway, there you have it. I'm going today to chain myself to the bargain table at Barnes & Noble. What are you going to do?
II. A Proverb
Is deacair a bheith ag feadaíl agus ag ithe mine.
It is hard to whistle and eat at the same time.--contributed by anonymous reader
III. PAUL BUSMAN
Paul Busman, maker of unbearably excellent wooden whistles, has a new website at
http://www.busmanwhistles.com/
run by there and tell Paul I said hello.
IV. Phil Hardy
Phil Hardy, maker of Chieftain whistles, emailed me last week and asked me to delete http://www.chiffandfipple.com/whatamess.html, a page on the website that has been up since about 1997. He argued that "there is no confusion over the Kerrywhistle and Overton
products." I declined, pointing out that only last week there was a flurry of controversy on the message board due to an experienced whistler posting a Chieftain whistle for sale on ebay and calling it an Overton. When I declined, we had a sort of angry exchange of email during which Phil accused me of journalistic bias. I pointed out that I have reviewed his whistles positively. (In my return emails, I didn't behave particularly well.) Phil continues to feel, and has informed me here in 2004, that this whatamess page, up since 1997, is inaccurate & biased. He's pretty mad about it. I did make a couple of minor changes in the page by way of update. Anyway, Phil and I are kind of in feud mode so, hey, stay away from both of us if you don't want to get caught in a really ugly dogfight!
A really ugly dogfight, with spectator.
In the meantime, check out Phil's excellent website at
V. TWO (2) Important Items From Bill Ochs
Hello Dale,
I recently made an arrangement with amazon.com for them carry my Micho Russell CD and Video, both titled Ireland's Whistling Ambassador. These can be found on the Amazon site by searching on the words "Micho Russell" in Popular Music or VHS.
One word of explanation about the video: when I screened the rough cut to US audiences, many viewers had trouble understanding Micho's accent. Some folks suggested subtitles, but I resisted the idea. Finally -- after much prodding from concerned friends -- I decided to put the question to Micho to let him decide.
I sent Micho two copies of the rough cut -- one with subtitles and one without. His pronouncement was that "the one with the writin' is grand." Hence the N. American version has subtitles. (An Irish PAL format version was released without subtitles, but it's only available from my website:www.pennywhistle.com.
If you'd like to put click-through links to the Micho titles on Amazon on the C&F site, please feel free to do so. I'd be honored.
Best wishes,
Bill Ochs
Here are the links:
Video:
CD:
VI. BILL OCHS WORKSHOPS
Hello Dale,
I will be giving several tin whistle workshops in Seattle, Washington on Saturday, Feb. 14 and Sunday, Feb. 15 in conjunction with the Uilleann Pipers' Tionol hosted by the Seattle Irish Pipers Club.
My workshops will cater to advanced beginner and intermediate students. The precise times are not yet set, but in the past at this event I have done sessions on Saturday and Sunday mornings, as well as Saturday afternoon.
For precise schedule and registration details, folks should check the IPC website:
http://www.irishpipersclub.org/tionol2004.html
This is a great event. I look forward to meeting and working with old and new students this February.
Best wishes,
Bill Ochs
Chiff & Fipple On the Campaign Trail With Howard Dean
"Not only are we going to New Hampshire, Dale Wisely, we're going to South Carolina and Oklahoma and Arizona and North Dakota and New Mexico, and we're taking whistles to California and Texas and New York. And we're going to South Dakota and Oregon and Washington and Michigan. And then we're going to take over Chiff & Fipple!! YEAHHHRRHAAAAAAHRRAHAH!!!"
VII. FROM GLEN ROAD
Hi,
Happy New Year from Glen Road. We have been off the road for the last couple of months but we've been busy working on the nuts and bolts stuff.
The big news is that we will be playing in even more schools starting in Fall 2004. We have signed up with an agency in Kansas that books school performances nationwide, and we hope to play in about a dozen schools a week. We'll still be playing concerts and clubs along the way.
http://www.assemblyline.com
We were honored to be chosen as one of 15 performers at the Winterfolk conference in Toronto at the end of January. Unfortunately we already had gigs lined up and had to turn down the opportunity. Still, it is very encouraging as there were more than 200 applicants for those showcase slots.
Instead we'll be playing in North Carolina, Georgia and Tennessee. We look forward to seeing some old friends and to our first official performances in North Carolina. We have a lot of friends there too, mostly musicians we've met in the past.
There's some new stuff on the web site. You can now download our presskit from http://www.glenroadmusic.com/press.shtml.
Also, you can now listen to a radio interview on KCCU, Lawton OK from last September at http://www.glenroadmusic.com/mp3.shtml.
Finally, there are some new t-shirts featuring Mike's artwork from Round The Bend on the web.
There's more but that's it for now.
Be good!
Mike, Turlach and Greg
VIII. COULD THIS BE A CHIFF & FIPPLE SUBSCRIBER?
PORTLAND, Maine -- A passenger's flute tucked inside a homemade container triggered the Portland International Jetport's evacuation Tuesday because screeners believed the package could be a bomb.
The passenger was allowed to board his flight after being questioned, but without his flute in the container made of plastic PVC pipe. Eight flights were affected and more than 300 passengers evacuated while bomb technicians investigated.
Officials did not identify the flute-playing passenger, who they described as a New England businessman in his 40s and a frequent flyer, because he did nothing illegal.
Portland Transportation Director Jeffrey Monroe said passengers should make sure their carry-on bags don't contain items that could raise a security alert.
"There are a lot of unique things people travel with that do not seem problematic," he said. "When looked upon by a security officer, they may look suspicious."
Update: Turns out this wasn't a flute. It was a electronic bagpipe practice chanter that an electric box attached to it, with batteries in it and so forth. So, doesn't quite seem so weird.
IX. RADICAL SURGERY OF IRISH INSTRUMENT CREATING SOUTH AMERICAN INSTRUMENT.
Dear Dale,
Have you ever looked closely at a quena, the end-blown flute they use in Andean music?
Take a bamboo 6-hole flute. Saw it into two pieces, directly across the embouchure hole. Sharpen the "downwind" end of the hole. You now have a quena. It's sort of a beheaded simple flute.
A quena seems to be as good a flute as a simple transverse
flute, and you don't have to play it sideways. I'm finding my whistle chops are transferring a lot better than they ever did to a transverse flute.
-- Don Varvel
South Texas Smallpipes
Dear Don,
Do you think that after having this surgery, the quena wakes up in a bathtub full of ice water and a note that it's mouthpiece has been surgically removed and put on the black market?
Dale
X. RADICAL SURGERY OF JETHRO TULL KEYBOARD PLAYER, CREATING FEMALE KEYBOARD PLAYER
Former Jethro Tull member David Palmer has had a sex-change operation and is now going by Dee Palmer, according to the Daily Scotsman. Palmer joined Tull in 1976 as a keyboard player but began arranging orchestral music for the band for its first album, This Was, in 1968.
Last night Ian Anderson - the guiding force behind Jethro Tull for three decades - backed his ex-bandmate's sex-swap.
He said: "I found it difficult to understand at first. But I fully support his decision."
He said he finally accepted the news when David rang him to say: "There's something I need to get off my increasingly ample chest."
David Palmer
Dee Palmer
XI. ON MARS
This whole Mars rover thing has reminded me of that famous "face on Mars" photo:
XII. THIS MONTH'S
people who, so far as we know, don’t play the whistle
a rotating gallery of people who don’t play the whistle, and aren’t likely to take it up.
Richard Perle
The Olsen Twins
Stay tuned for more people who, so far as we know, don’t play the whistle (A Quinn-Martin Production)
XIII. LOST EMAIL
Due to a glitch in my system, so to speak, I lost all email addressed to me between December 12, 2003 and January 9, 2004. If you emailed me during that time and didn't hear back from me, please check and re-send your email to me.
XIV. THANKS....
...to all of you for your ongoing readership and especially for your supportive emails and phone calls after the last newsletter.
